Floozy Finds: Jimmy’s John

In Utah County we have heard that there are Other Places. Places beyond our little valley. Sinister places, full of karaoke bars and 7-11’s. Salt Lake County, for example. Armed with nothing but my modest clothing and a can-do attitude, I jumped in my minivan and visited my Northern neighbors.

Here is something that I saw:

What . . . what is that?! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

This scared me.

Now, I know that Jimmy John’s is a fine upstanding sandwich establishment, but what did those evil Salt Lake City bastards do to it? They painted it black! And put a rotating Man Thing on it! Oh my GOSH. I can feel my cap-sleeve t-shirt rolling up way past my shoulders at the thought of something so wicked!

I mean, just look at it this way:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Think 'happy place happy place HAPPY PLACE!'

It turns out that one of my friends (the Floozy Musey) who was shotgunning with me on my Salt Lake City adventure, figured out what this was all about. See, there used to be these ice cream parlors all around Utah called Snelgrove’s.

We have delicious non-pervy ice cream!

And they had these weird rotating coned wonders. Two scoops! So I guess that Jimmy John’s bought one of these now defunct ice cream parlors and converted it into a sandwich parlor. And instead taking down the durn cone like any other normal business would do, they simply painted over it in black. Thinking what? That it would naturally blend into the surroundings? That no one would notice the gigantic black phallus looming over their ULTIMATE PORKER™ club sandwiches? What?! You tell me, Jimmy John’s!

The plot thickens! As it turns out, my friend (the Floozy Musey) knows a person who knows the actual Jimmy John. Which of course led me to a sensitive question which I tried to phrase as delicately as possible. “So tell me, Floozy Musey, is Jimmy John a big black man large-boned African-American male?” The Floozy Musey did not know, but she will be finding out soon, because she is getting her hair colored next week (her hairdresser is the person who knows the actual Jimmy John) and can ask.

Stay tuned for more information about the ethnicity and size of the actual non-mythical Jimmy John!

And enjoy one of his delicious sandwiches while playing this game: Switch around the names of things so that they sound pervy. Examples: Jimmy’s John, Searching for Bobby’s Fischer, What’s Eating Gilbert’s Grape?, Forgetting Sarah’s Marshall, and of course, Saving Ryan’s Privates.

Editor’s Note: If you want to see the Jimmy John’s Ice Cream Cone Sign of Infamy in person, you can find it at 605 East 400 South in Salt Lake City. Stick a J.J. Gargantuan in your mouth and tell ’em we say hi.