Before I get rolling, let me preface by saying that I love you, Utah County ladies. You are hot. I honestly don’t care that you wear sparkly butt jeans and have fake boobs. Own it. I have known many a blonde, buxom woman here who could take me down if we were suddenly in a heated high school debate competition about the labor standards of overseas manufacturing. Your upgraded rack would definitely not stop you from brilliantly obliterating my arguments (of which my best would be ‘Errrr, drrrrr, sweatshops bad! Grape gum delicious!’) until I was reduced to a bubbling, incomprehensible puddle that the janitor would later throw sawdust over and scrape up with a trowel.
My last Floozy Finds was about this offensive! pattern I found at a local craft store.
Don’t worry! I fixed it. I gave her a Utah County Makeover.
Let me introduce you to the classic features of your typical Utah County Lady. (Stereotypes bad! Grape gum delicious!)
Here is another example from one of my best friends. (Yes, I took a picture of my friend’s butt.)
I like how my other friend is pointing at her bling, which is super helpful and illustrative! Also, my hot-assed friend will probably never wear these jeans again to a Stitch & Bitch, because we all couldn’t help goosing her all night. It was involuntary!
Second, the Utah County lady has Prom Hair. To achieve the super awesomeness that is Prom Hair, she uses Bumpits.
So many times I have sat behind a woman at an elementary school function and wanted to stick a pencil in her Bumpit to see if it would spring open like a bear trap.
Third, she has fake boobs.
A few years ago I went out to dinner with some lady friends. Of the six women there, four of them had had boob jobs. No, I wasn’t one of them. Utah is famous for having a lot of plastic surgery. Why? Well, firstly, we Utah County women have had a lot of babies. (Our vaginas are like clown cars.) And anyone who has given birth to a child knows that childbirth is exactly, exactly like Bella’s experience — where the baby basically rips its way out of the womb. The damage can be extensive and may or may not include cute wittle claw marks. I understand the need for reparative cosmetic surgery. Heck, I even get it why some women just want to look better. Why not. We all do little things to keep ourselves from falling apart. I sometimes wear chapstick and control-top panty hose.
Fourth, the Utah County Woman is a modestly dressed woman. Ignore all of those pictures I posted up there where the women are showing their *gasp* shoulders and bare upper arms and oh-em-gee cleavage. There is no bare skin showing in Utah County, (unless you go to a water park and then, huWhoa! It’s like a Pornucopia). Most women here are And I’m A Mormon! and therefore have dress limitations. They wear cap sleeves and capris. Whenever there is a woman in Utah County who is showing décolletage, it is so so SO hard not to stare! I’m like, sure your eyes are up there, but booobiessssz.
Fifth and last, the UCW is often blonde, skinny, and gorgeous. And all I have to say to that is…