Before I get rolling, let me preface by saying that I love you, Utah County ladies. You are hot. I honestly don’t care that you wear sparkly butt jeans and have fake boobs. Own it. I have known many a blonde, buxom woman here who could take me down if we were suddenly in a heated high school debate competition about the labor standards of overseas manufacturing. Your upgraded rack would definitely not stop you from brilliantly obliterating my arguments (of which my best would be ‘Errrr, drrrrr, sweatshops bad! Grape gum delicious!’) until I was reduced to a bubbling, incomprehensible puddle that the janitor would later throw sawdust over and scrape up with a trowel.
My last Floozy Finds was about this offensive! pattern I found at a local craft store.
I know.
Don’t worry! I fixed it. I gave her a Utah County Makeover.
This Utah County Lady Loves Tuesday!
Let me introduce you to the classic features of your typical Utah County Lady. (Stereotypes bad! Grape gum delicious!)
First, she wears Sparkly Butt Jeans that she buys from Buckle at the University Mall in Orem.
Her ass has more bling than Nelly's grillz.
Here is another example from one of my best friends. (Yes, I took a picture of my friend’s butt.)
I am super jealous of your amazing ass, Nameless Friend!
I like how my other friend is pointing at her bling, which is super helpful and illustrative! Also, my hot-assed friend will probably never wear these jeans again to a Stitch & Bitch, because we all couldn’t help goosing her all night. It was involuntary!
Second, the Utah County lady has Prom Hair. To achieve the super awesomeness that is Prom Hair, she uses Bumpits.
I go to PTA meetings wearing Prom Hair, because I can, bitchez!
So many times I have sat behind a woman at an elementary school function and wanted to stick a pencil in her Bumpit to see if it would spring open like a bear trap.
Third, she has fake boobs.
Marty's mom is a total MILF
A few years ago I went out to dinner with some lady friends. Of the six women there, four of them had had boob jobs. No, I wasn’t one of them. Utah is famous for having a lot of plastic surgery. Why? Well, firstly, we Utah County women have had a lot of babies. (Our vaginas are like clown cars.) And anyone who has given birth to a child knows that childbirth is exactly, exactly like Bella’s experience — where the baby basically rips its way out of the womb. The damage can be extensive and may or may not include cute wittle claw marks. I understand the need for reparative cosmetic surgery. Heck, I even get it why some women just want to look better. Why not. We all do little things to keep ourselves from falling apart. I sometimes wear chapstick and control-top panty hose.
There is a monster inside of me. It wants OUT!
Fourth, the Utah County Woman is a modestly dressed woman. Ignore all of those pictures I posted up there where the women are showing their *gasp* shoulders and bare upper arms and oh-em-gee cleavage. There is no bare skin showing in Utah County, (unless you go to a water park and then, huWhoa! It’s like a Pornucopia). Most women here are And I’m A Mormon! and therefore have dress limitations. They wear cap sleeves and capris. Whenever there is a woman in Utah County who is showing décolletage, it is so so SO hard not to stare! I’m like, sure your eyes are up there, but booobiessssz.
Fifth and last, the UCW is often blonde, skinny, and gorgeous. And all I have to say to that is…
Our vaginae ARE like clown cars! I love this, and grape gum too!
vaginae! you and your fancy latin pluralization.
Wouldn’t it technically be vaginæ?
PORNICOPEA!
!
This is why I live in Cache Valley. Our women prefer nature so much that the two-toned spiky skunk look will be the hairstyle of choice for the next ten years. Then we will discover Bumpits.
I think I know this ‘skunk’ hairdo. It’s short and jelled upwards in the back, right? Yeah, I call that the Duck Butt.
Yes, yes! Give us hair and we will make an animal arse.
Why is there no ‘like’ button?! I needs mah a GD ‘like’ button!
The website is still in Beta! The like button had to temporarily go away for page loading speed issues. Sorry for the inconvenience.
I was only expressing the intensity with which I liked this post. Buttons be damned!
Floozy, I would appreciate it if you could stop making me snort coffee up my nose! No, wait, it’s worth it.
The Bump-it would be Utah’s official state fashion hairpiece if there were such a thing. And damn! Your nameless friend really does have a nice ass.
I know, Her butt makes me wish I worked out.
You missed another stereotype. Something to do with the fact that every Utah County Woman is also a Utah County Mother. Of, like 428 children.
And! That she would understand your Bella reference. Because not all women across the country are the major Twilight fans that they are here, right? Right?
I thought that my ‘clown car’ comment was about the large (428!? ouchie) number of children we Utah County Women have.
And what do you mean not everybody would get my Bella reference? I am so confused.
Oh, well that was technically under the umbrella of Fake Boobs but I thought maybe it deserved its own category. Maybe not. Your choice!
And…. my point exactly.
Ah, I see what you’re saying!
Does this mean you won’t be going to Breaking Dawn with me, Sally?