Perhaps you know all about my life story since it was recently portrayed by Tina Yothers in the acclaimed Lifetime Channel movie: From Kiss Virgin to Floozy: The True Story of a Utah County Craft ‘Ho: The Cotton Floozy.
Or maybe not.
I grew up in Utah County! It was mostly super fun! I was extremely naive and thrived inside a bubble of ignorant bliss. It smelled like cotton candy and unicorns in there, yo. I had my first kiss on stage. In a play. It was about as erotic as two fish dying together on the same hooked line.
Most of my friends weren’t only virgins. They were lip virgins. You have no idea how incredibly repressed we were! Here is an example of things me and my friends would do in our spare time for fun: ding dong ditch, play racquetball, steal portable flashing street signs and place them on the front porch of boys/girls we liked (teeheehee!). Also, there was this thing called blatting. Blatting was a super secret ritual where you went out and bought a pie, placed it on the road, waited for it to be run over by a car, and then crawled over to it on your knees and lapped it up like a dog. I never actually did this. But I have many friends who did. (You know who you are.)
The coolest thing about growing up in Utah County was dating. It wasn’t just ordinary blah dating. It was creative dating.
The first step in the creative dating process is: Asking Someone Out.
Which box will your special someone check?
Heaven forbid you actually just call up that person and ask them on a date! That is so not cool, you boring losers from loserville! You need to ask them out creatively. The most obvious ways are to put the Will-You-Go-Out-With-Me?-Question on a piece of paper and slip it into something tricky like a balloon or a rotting fish mouth. (My brother totally did this once.) Other overused methods include: scavenger hunts, puzzles with the message written on the back, and singing telegrams. You get the idea. I once asked a guy out by making him pour an ice-cold bucket of water over his head as the answer ‘yes’ to going to the dance with me (Teeheeheee!) In retrospect, the guy should have thrown the bucket over me and said, ‘get a life, you freak!’
After the asking and the accepting parts have been completed, it is time to move on to the actual date. This, too, must be creative. Once my date and I dressed up in black garbage bags and used unconventional utensils like spatulas and tongs for a messy spaghetti dinner. Oh, and our wrists were tied together. To each other’s. Get it? At that time, it was probably the closest I had been to a boy, ever. On another date, my friends and I made a picnic together in the middle of the Orem Mall. We all wore matching shirts. Here is a picture with one of the fellows:
This is in no way polygamous looking nope.
I ask myself, “Self, why is there only one guy in this picture, when there were in fact, two other guys on this date?” I do not have a clue! I bet it’s because it was a group date thingey (a UC phenomena to be saved for another post) and so no one was paired up. Because that would be evil obviously.
And maybe you are wondering why there is a fleur de lis sticker over the guy’s face? That would be to preserve his identity. Dude did not even accept my Facebook friend request last year! I cannot imagine why!!!!
My favorite date of all was when I asked out this super special someone:
Balloon men make the best dates for sex-starved women.
Yes, those are dummies. With balloons for heads. No, I did not know any of the dirty implications from dating things that you blow up with your own mouth air. I was so pathetically innocent, people! We took our Balloon Men out to dinner and everything! OH MY OVERCOOKED TAPIOCA we even danced with them.
The only thing that comforts me about my supah lameness is that I was not alone. Everyone creatively dated. Even the Floozy Musey’s husband (whom I went to high school with) creatively dated like a pro. Once Mister Floozy Musey and his minions hiked up a steep mountain and created a picnic table and chairs out of logs. OUT OF LOGS. And then me and my lady pals climbed up said steep mountain and ate a Chinese take-out dinner on the manly-hewn furniture. This is what I call Xtreme Picnicking. Afterwards, we went back to the valley and played racquetball. True story.
Creative Dating is an epidemic that doesn’t just affect our youth. It also affects our adult peoples! Check out these Utah County-esque ladies: The Dating Divas. Seriously, go to that blog and study. It will make you a certifiable Utah County anthropologist. This is my favorite post. If you love me you will watch that video. It is so fantabously awesome I want to creatively date the shiz out of it.
I love the Dating Divas because they recommend that married people should also creatively date. Because me and Mr. Floozy are old and tired and used up, we weren’t able to go on any of the recommended creative dates and chronicle the awesomeness with photographs.
But my dogs were totally game! They went on a few creative dates just for you, my dear Happy Valley Crafters.
DATE ONE: XTREME PICNICKING
Xtreme Picnicking sponsored by the Colonel.
Granger and Weasley climbed a very steep mountain to get to this scenic picnic location!
Blatting!
DATE TWO: BEACHY FUN
Beach Date!
Dog Bikinis strangely do not cover Granger's multiple nipples.
And lastly, the third date . . . .
DATE THREE: UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATER PARTY
Holiday Greetings! from the Floozies!
Um did those dating divas really laugh with scrunched up noses at basically nothing? Thanks for a laugh.
Nose-scrunching makes them extra-dateable.
So – my husband was sitting next to me when I watched the video & commented on how personable they were on camera. Crap! Looks like I need to learn the whole “Scrunched up nose” thing.
LOL Anyway, cute girls. Good for them to take something they love and turn it into a website.
First of all, the fleur de lis was creative genius. I bow to you.
2. At least a third of the girls that you graduated with weren’t with child, as they were in my school. One. Third. No shit.
C. The dogs. Oh the dogs. I consulted my crystal ball and it said that you have a path paved for you and the neon sign says “Pet Glamour Shots by The Cotton Floozy”. Oh yes. Do mine next. Let’s dress them up like Rodeo Queens.
Lastly: Blatting? I have no words.
Rodeo Queen dogs!!!! In my head this is the coolest thing that I have ever seen.
Wow. You know how you described utah county women style? Well, those dating dives basically look just like that. Oh my gosh. Sparkly jeans and all.
I know, right? It is uncanny.
Wow. Making fun of women who spend their blogging time trying to strengthen marriages. Real Classy. Seriously disappointed in this post.
Well, maybe if they spent less time blogging about saving their marriages, their marriages would be stronger? Hmmm?
Also, the Floozy is one of the classiest broads you could ever meet.
I am Klassy with a K. Also assy.
My husband would leave me if I tried creative dating. I think I would also divorce myself if I ever tried it.
I usually really like your posts, but I didn’t think this was funny. I am actually grateful to you for introducing me to that site. I explored it a little and was extremely impressed. These ladies know what hard work goes into being married and they are nice enough to pass all of their ideas onto the rest of us. I have a feeling I will be spending the rest of the night exploring their website. It’s a sad day when we start making fun of the things in this life that helps to improve other people. I hope they never see this post. How discouraging!
It’s discouraging that instead of spending the rest of your night working on your marriage, you are instead spending that time screwing around on the web. It’s called satire, my dear. No need to get all butt-hurt over a blog.
“It’s a sad day when we start making fun of the things in this life that helps to improve other people. ” Actually, my husband and I go out on dates and do just this! It’s strengthened our marriage immensely.
Whoa, whoa, whoa… This post is too much, Cotton Floozy! I only like satire when it has nothing to do with me. SHAME!
I am full of shame and KFC. Ok, mostly KFC.
I love this post. Most of what you are doing here is poking fun at yourself (or younger self).
Mocking the dominant culture when you are part of the minority culture (in this case being an adult who left creative dating in high school where it belongs) is not only OK, but a very healthy way to express your frustration at being colonized by skinny blondes in Bump-its.
My judgment is allowed because it is righteous.
ZOMG best post ever. I remember that XTREME PICKNICKING with fondness.
Too bad some people think that pointing out the quirks of Utah County living with humor and fondness constitutes ANGRY HATEFUL BASHING OF FRIENDLY HAPPY PEOPLES but I guess not everyone makes it out of high school with their sense of humor intact. If I was one of those Dating Divas I’d be laughing my bejeweled butt off at this post
I’m just excited that the Floozy included a picture of me! BTW, my sense of humor is fully intact, if not somewhat darker due to those days when I thought the best catch of all the boys around me was a guy with a balloon head!
If I were a Dating Diva, I think that I would laugh my cute little butt off, too! And I’m glad that you picked up on the ‘fondness,’ because seriously, I love my Utah County roots.
God, I was a sexy bitch in high school! Well, maybe I would have been, sans the big bangs and the sweater that was 5 times too big for me. Aaaaah, you gotta love body dysmorphia!
You showed a great deal of fondness for this idiocy, dear Floozy, which I think is rather Christian of you. I, myself, can only respond by thanking my lucky stars that I am not so sexually repressed in my marriage as to require the employment of Creative Dating to connect with my spouse in a meaningful way. That’s what sex is for, Dating Divas. Look into it. Creative Dating (holla!, Joel W, and thanks for saying yes to my walnut-ensconced literal-nut-bag Halloween dance request!) existed to create layers of protective padding between teenagers, sex, and each other. If you find yourself needing to use Creative Dating to work on your marriage, then one or both of you is/are probably gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Hey, the Chinese takeout dinner was actually prom. And I am grateful I was never part of that blatting junk. Ewww.
Ang! Wait, what did we eat that night? I trust your super memory better than Jack’s. And do you have any other pictures from the Sadie Hawkins dance (mall picnic)? I can’t figure out the whys of our posing arrangements.
Clever little post, Ms. Floozy….however…I am not liking where the comments are going on this one. I actually know a couple of those girls behind the website, The Dating Divas. I definitely think they would laugh, and find the humor in your post. I think the bashing in the comments towards them is unnecessary. The ones I know are SO much fun, have extremely strong marriages, and enjoy helping others. I loved Floozy’s fun way of poking fun at creative dating. It definitely not for everyone, but those women are awesome!! Let’s leave them outta it.
Very fair and awesome comment, Sarah.
I am not poking fun at the Dating Divas, I am poking fun at all of the people who are getting butt-hurt over the Floozy’s blog. I have nothing against the Dating Divas, if it works for them, then awesome! People just take these blogs and what they say in them way too seriously. Take a pill, people, and I am pretty sure everyone in Utah County has a few of those in their medicine cabinets. It’s not called Happy Valley for nothing!
Butt-hurt!
Oh, Sally.
I am going to have to agree with Sarah on this. LOVED this post…totally made me laugh out loud!! The dogs! OH, the dogs! Too funny. You are just too much sometimes, Floozy! Love it. Can’t wait to see the next post those cute dogs star in!! I just watched that video and those girls are darling! I then checked out their website…and…found a really cool Christmas gift idea! Gulp! I think I am slowly going over to the “dark” side…..
If the dating divas have been on the internets for any length of time, then I imagine that they’re used to a little Kreative Kriticism. I think I threw in some legitimate points along with my bitchy snark. Why leave them out of it? They represent a significant aspect of the very real and and certainly unique culture of Happy Valley, so it’s legitimate to discuss them and our own feelings about them and what they represent. To suggest otherwise smacks of a certain persecution complex.
If the moderators feel that I’m being abusive, I won’t take offense at being banned.
Damn girl, you are not abusive! My ex, now he was abusive. You are saying what I am thinking. I keep waiting for Dame Toadstool to step in and make an authoritative speech, but I forget that she is out of town. So I’ll say it. Those Dating Divas scare the bejebus out of me.
They are too cute to scare anyone!
I love Floozy! I love this post! I just gotta love the “DD” girls! Gotta give them props for using all the creative juices their maker gave them. My man and I are too lazy to get off the couch! That book date one of them talked about in the video sounded pretty fun. Of course, that would require that we actually haul our lazy butts into the car and drive to a bookstore. Probably not going to happen.
The best part of the Dating Divas post about their Studio 5 debut is the quotation marks they use above each pic, as if they’re using euphemisms for something else.. like how they get “miked up” before the shoot– makes you wonder what getting “miked up” really means lol
Witty post. Cute dogs. Umm – and I actually really liked that website you linked up to! They look like fun gals and their ideas were cute. Def a Happy Valley thing, huh! Creative dates. I must have never left high school because my husband and I still do fun stuff like that. Our marriage def isn’t boring or lacking in any way. BUT – I love that someone (Cotton Floozy) can find humor in such things and share her satire with the rest of us! Keep ’em coming.
I TOTALLY did the creative asking each other out in HS as well. Super fun.
This post cracked me up! What a great way to start off my morning. I loved that you shared some of your pics from the younger days. Brings back memories. I, also, must still be living in HS – we are attending an Ugly Sweater Christmas Party this coming week. This crap is hilarious to joke about, but if I am going to be honest, I STILL love doing it. Go Dating Divas. P.S. Our sex life is just great. (Nothing lacking in THAT department!) Oh and we are definitely not gay.
Hahaha Flooze – you never fail to make me laugh. Great post. Can’t believe the discussion those gals you linked up to are causing. One of them looks like my little sister! If I could fit my fat arse into those skinny sparkly jeans, I would! Darn desserts get me every time!
Floozy, you crack me up. I did not grow up in Utah, I had no idea the extent of creative dating that took place.
Thanks for your honest post, and just for the record, I am pals with the Floozy and my derriere may or may not have been featured in an earlier blog with my sparkle pocket jeans, AND I love them, and Floozy still talks to me!
You rawk your sparkle-butt jeans!
Is this the greatest post ever? It might just be.
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I love creative dating. I didn’t grow up in Utah and found myself getting quite bored with the same old dinner and a movie. Luckily, I moved to Happy Valley in my early 20s and met a nice Utah boy and the rest is history. We “creative date” all the time and I have to admit, it’s quite enjoyable! Definitely a “Utah” thing – but man is it fun! I laughed when I read some of these comments. I would like to also put out there that my husband and I have chemistry galore (no bedroom issues) and we are def “rooting for different teams.” We just think it’s boring to do the same thing over and over. A little adventure never hurt anyone. I really did enjoy this post, though. Very creative on Floozy’s part. The dogs are awesome!
My husband and I love thinking outside the box. We don’t live in Utah but we have actually tried a lot of those dates you mentioned above. Too funny! I didn’t realize there was a whole state that did that as well. Great post – very creative with the dogs! I think I am going to have to go explore this website, The Dating Divas, to get even more ideas. I appreciate that we can laugh about this stuff, but then there are some of us who see the value in it & can do it as well. Dinner and a movie gets old so fast!