Floozy Finds: McNaughty Art

Posted on October 10, 2011 by TheCottonFloozy

Floozy Finds - The Cotton Floozy reveals Utah County craft culture

There are two malls in Utah County. One is The University Mall in Orem and the other one is the Provo Towne Center which is in — wait for it — Provo. The Provo mall is the closest mall to me, so it’s the one that I visit the most. I can get a lot of cool stuff at the mall, such as warm pretzels, modest cap-sleeve clothing, and family car decals. I can also get me some fine art!

located between the Master Cuts and Sears

Hey, I like fine art! In galleries! In the mall! So I moseyed into McNaughton: Fine Art Gallery and politely asked if I could take some photos. “Of course,” said the cute girl that worked there. “Also, help yourself to some free fliers.”

I love free.

The first thing I noticed in “the gallery” was this big picture:

The flag costs extra

Now, in order for you to truly appreciate the magnitude of this fine art! painting you need to visit McNaughton’s interactive guide to his painting, “ONE NATION UNDER GOD.”  It is mind-blowing! I’m not sure what my favorite part of this painting is –the lawyer who is flipping through a thick wad of cash, the teacher who looks eerily like Sarah Palin, or the Token Black Guy who is a “College Student” clutching his dog-eared copy of Cleon Skousen’s book, “The Five Thousand Year Leap.” So many choices!

I also like this version (by person(s) unknown):

Cthulhu, baby!

It’s a little blood-soaked, yes. And no, it was not in the fine! art! gallery. I found it on the Internet.

Also, in the gallery was this picture — “The Forgotten Man.” I captured my own image of it at the fine! art! gallery.

James Madison: Imma gonna catch Obama's shiny fart!

Sure, Obama is stepping on the constitution, but at least he farts balls of light!*

It was a very educational trip to the mall today, and I couldn’t help but feel inspired by Jon McNaughton’s Fine! Art! Gallery. I decided to take those free fliers and some of my old book covers and a bunch of pink pom-pom trim and make my own fine! art.

My own art!

I floozified this folder. It holds all of my Cotton Floozy patterns.  Check it!

One Nation Under . . . Hester Prynne?

I wish that I knew how to do that interactive mouse rollover feature, because then you would be able to see all of my neato upgrades. Instead, you can click on the picture and play a game of Can You Find: A Little Princess, Anne Shirley, Indiana Jones, and Karl Marx? What else can you find?

*maybe I should learn to take pictures without the automatic flash.

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Real Life with Vintage Jodie: My son’s new friend

Posted on October 4, 2011 by Vintage Jodie

Real Life with Vintage Jodie - by Real Pretend Vintage

One of my goals as a mom is to get my children acquainted with society and gain skills that will help them through life. That being said, I feel compelled to share with you a heartwarming story from my real life!

Last night my four year old son acquired a new friend. I have seldom seen him so excited. He sat in my home office with me for well over an hour carrying on about the wonders of his new friend. It was rather humorous and endearing, so I listened and nodded when appropriate.

He was still babbling on about his new friend at bedtime and I finally consented to letting his pal spend the night. Then when “someone” would not stay in his bed, I threatened to remove the friend from his bedroom. My son cried real tears and went to bed for the rest of the night.

Imagine the joy, when I went into check on him later, and he was snuggled up next to his new buddy, so cute, so innocent, so….

Vintage Jodie's son has a cooling fan for a new best friend

I know! His new best friend is a computer cooling fan. Daddy was the wonderous giver of this amazing gift. I don’t know it this bodes well for his future career goals, or if I should be concerend about his social skills.

Love, Vintage Jodie

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Floozy Finds: Jimmy’s John

Posted on October 3, 2011 by TheCottonFloozy

Floozy Finds - The Cotton Floozy reveals Utah County craft cultureIn Utah County we have heard that there are Other Places. Places beyond our little valley. Sinister places, full of karaoke bars and 7-11’s. Salt Lake County, for example. Armed with nothing but my modest clothing and a can-do attitude, I jumped in my minivan and visited my Northern neighbors.

Here is something that I saw:

What . . . what is that?! Aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!

This scared me.

Now, I know that Jimmy John’s is a fine upstanding sandwich establishment, but what did those evil Salt Lake City bastards do to it? They painted it black! And put a rotating Man Thing on it! Oh my GOSH. I can feel my cap-sleeve t-shirt rolling up way past my shoulders at the thought of something so wicked!

I mean, just look at it this way:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! Think 'happy place happy place HAPPY PLACE!'

It turns out that one of my friends (the Floozy Musey) who was shotgunning with me on my Salt Lake City adventure, figured out what this was all about. See, there used to be these ice cream parlors all around Utah called Snelgrove’s.

We have delicious non-pervy ice cream!

And they had these weird rotating coned wonders. Two scoops! So I guess that Jimmy John’s bought one of these now defunct ice cream parlors and converted it into a sandwich parlor. And instead taking down the durn cone like any other normal business would do, they simply painted over it in black. Thinking what? That it would naturally blend into the surroundings? That no one would notice the gigantic black phallus looming over their ULTIMATE PORKER™ club sandwiches? What?! You tell me, Jimmy John’s!

The plot thickens! As it turns out, my friend (the Floozy Musey) knows a person who knows the actual Jimmy John. Which of course led me to a sensitive question which I tried to phrase as delicately as possible. “So tell me, Floozy Musey, is Jimmy John a big black man large-boned African-American male?” The Floozy Musey did not know, but she will be finding out soon, because she is getting her hair colored next week (her hairdresser is the person who knows the actual Jimmy John) and can ask.

Stay tuned for more information about the ethnicity and size of the actual non-mythical Jimmy John!

And enjoy one of his delicious sandwiches while playing this game: Switch around the names of things so that they sound pervy. Examples: Jimmy’s John, Searching for Bobby’s Fischer, What’s Eating Gilbert’s Grape?, Forgetting Sarah’s Marshall, and of course, Saving Ryan’s Privates.

Editor’s Note: If you want to see the Jimmy John’s Ice Cream Cone Sign of Infamy in person, you can find it at 605 East 400 South in Salt Lake City. Stick a J.J. Gargantuan in your mouth and tell ’em we say hi.

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What Are We DOING? Not much!

Posted on September 28, 2011 by Volatile Volscian

what are we DOING?

This post isn’t going to be very exciting because I’m actually not working on much right now.

Here’s an update from last week:

1. Comic: No progress! Seems like the only times I have available for drawing, are times when I can’t have a large piece of paper and a flat surface. I guess this isn’t a very high priority.

2. Tablet weaving book: Added more words and another picture! I’m taking this slowly. There’s a kind of big thing I need to figure out before I can let it be edited.

3. Medieval chemise: I finished the embroidery and fixed the neckline for the millionth time. All done!

4. Vintage dress: No progress!

5. Script: No real progress, but I’ve thought a bit about the remaining scenes and formulated a few lines of dialogue.

6. Tablet weaving: I’m almost done with this one. I only have about 12″ left to weave. I’m normally a lot faster at this, but I guess I’ve been busy.

Here’s what new stuff is going on:

1. Moar tablet weaving! My friend “L” commissioned some from me and provided embroidery thread to do it. I need to separate the thread into 2- or 3-thread strands before I do the weaving.

2. This huge basket. I got it at DI (Deseret Industries, a local LDS-sanctioned thrift store in case you’re new to Utah) to use as a medieval suitcase. I need to clean it off and figure out how to add handles. Possibly also patch some of the more threadbare areas.

Hmm. That is pretty much all that I’m currently working on. I’ll probably finish some stuff from my mending pile or something, but I haven’t thought that far ahead.

Does the large pile of laundry in my room count as a current project?

Now, dear readers, it is your turn to tell us what you are working on.

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Floozy Finds: Family Car Decals, Floozified

Posted on September 26, 2011 by TheCottonFloozy

Floozy Finds - The Cotton Floozy reveals Utah County craft culture

In Utah county we are honking proud of our families. And we want the world to know it. The best way to showboat your family is to dress them all in matching zipperless trousers and/or calico bonnets and then send them into the wilderness with nothing but a handcart and a granola bar. Why you ask, dear world? To reenact the pioneers trekking to Utah, of course! Children dressed as historically-accurate pioneers = 20,000 bonus points per child! (Heat stroke and subsequent hospitalization, negative 20,000 points.)

But if you are not inclined to drop your kids off in the desert (I prefer making my kids clean up dog poo for fast ‘n’ easy character-building results! (oh and showing them off?)) then perhaps an effigy of your family stuck to the rear window of your car as a set of decal stickers is preferable.

We are a perfect family! Neener neener.

Okay! This is a very cute family! A very nuclear-esque family! Which is great. Pretty much like my own family. I’m even a stay-at-home mofo which is worth ten kajillion bonus points!!!  (I promise to stop with the bonus points now.)

These family car decals are everywhere in Utah county. You or someone you know (in Utah county) is carefully applying a height-descending order of stick people on the back of a minivan, right now. Again, totally cool. You like your family? OWN IT.

While pretending that I was all gumshoe and shiz I took this photo for another awesome example of this phenomena:

Go BYU! Go somehow gender-distinguished icons!

There are many variations of this theme. I’ve seen monkeys, zombies, even flip-flops. All excellent at denoting the number, rank, and gender of each family member.

Because I am the Floozy, full of love towards all people (except moviegoers who whisperwhisperwhisper) I think that all families should participate in this trend.

On the super fabulous website familystickers.com you can create your own family according to spec. Go ahead and check it out. I spent a good hour there fooling around, making a few sets of families I deem worthy, because, let’s be honest, even in Utah county we don’t all have sticker-perfect families. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Here are some of the stick figure families I created:

Polygamous Family! (Made only of consenting adults and their properly-nurtured children!)

Crazy Cat Lady Family!

Happy Bachelor Family!

And lastly:

Brokeback Mountain Family!

I would love to see more of these types of families driving down I-15. Here’s your turn. Tell me about your family.

 

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