Perhaps you know all about my life story since it was recently portrayed by Tina Yothers in the acclaimed Lifetime Channel movie: From Kiss Virgin to Floozy: The True Story of a Utah County Craft ‘Ho: The Cotton Floozy.
Or maybe not.
I grew up in Utah County! It was mostly super fun! I was extremely naive and thrived inside a bubble of ignorant bliss. It smelled like cotton candy and unicorns in there, yo. I had my first kiss on stage. In a play. It was about as erotic as two fish dying together on the same hooked line.
Most of my friends weren’t only virgins. They were lip virgins. You have no idea how incredibly repressed we were! Here is an example of things me and my friends would do in our spare time for fun: ding dong ditch, play racquetball, steal portable flashing street signs and place them on the front porch of boys/girls we liked (teeheehee!). Also, there was this thing called blatting. Blatting was a super secret ritual where you went out and bought a pie, placed it on the road, waited for it to be run over by a car, and then crawled over to it on your knees and lapped it up like a dog. I never actually did this. But I have many friends who did. (You know who you are.)
The coolest thing about growing up in Utah County was dating. It wasn’t just ordinary blah dating. It was creative dating.
The first step in the creative dating process is: Asking Someone Out.
Heaven forbid you actually just call up that person and ask them on a date! That is so not cool, you boring losers from loserville! You need to ask them out creatively. The most obvious ways are to put the Will-You-Go-Out-With-Me?-Question on a piece of paper and slip it into something tricky like a balloon or a rotting fish mouth. (My brother totally did this once.) Other overused methods include: scavenger hunts, puzzles with the message written on the back, and singing telegrams. You get the idea. I once asked a guy out by making him pour an ice-cold bucket of water over his head as the answer ‘yes’ to going to the dance with me (Teeheeheee!) In retrospect, the guy should have thrown the bucket over me and said, ‘get a life, you freak!’
After the asking and the accepting parts have been completed, it is time to move on to the actual date. This, too, must be creative. Once my date and I dressed up in black garbage bags and used unconventional utensils like spatulas and tongs for a messy spaghetti dinner. Oh, and our wrists were tied together. To each other’s. Get it? At that time, it was probably the closest I had been to a boy, ever. On another date, my friends and I made a picnic together in the middle of the Orem Mall. We all wore matching shirts. Here is a picture with one of the fellows:
I ask myself, “Self, why is there only one guy in this picture, when there were in fact, two other guys on this date?” I do not have a clue! I bet it’s because it was a group date thingey (a UC phenomena to be saved for another post) and so no one was paired up. Because that would be evil obviously.
And maybe you are wondering why there is a fleur de lis sticker over the guy’s face? That would be to preserve his identity. Dude did not even accept my Facebook friend request last year! I cannot imagine why!!!!
My favorite date of all was when I asked out this super special someone:
Yes, those are dummies. With balloons for heads. No, I did not know any of the dirty implications from dating things that you blow up with your own mouth air. I was so pathetically innocent, people! We took our Balloon Men out to dinner and everything! OH MY OVERCOOKED TAPIOCA we even danced with them.
The only thing that comforts me about my supah lameness is that I was not alone. Everyone creatively dated. Even the Floozy Musey’s husband (whom I went to high school with) creatively dated like a pro. Once Mister Floozy Musey and his minions hiked up a steep mountain and created a picnic table and chairs out of logs. OUT OF LOGS. And then me and my lady pals climbed up said steep mountain and ate a Chinese take-out dinner on the manly-hewn furniture. This is what I call Xtreme Picnicking. Afterwards, we went back to the valley and played racquetball. True story.
Creative Dating is an epidemic that doesn’t just affect our youth. It also affects our adult peoples! Check out these Utah County-esque ladies: The Dating Divas. Seriously, go to that blog and study. It will make you a certifiable Utah County anthropologist. This is my favorite post. If you love me you will watch that video. It is so fantabously awesome I want to creatively date the shiz out of it.
I love the Dating Divas because they recommend that married people should also creatively date. Because me and Mr. Floozy are old and tired and used up, we weren’t able to go on any of the recommended creative dates and chronicle the awesomeness with photographs.
But my dogs were totally game! They went on a few creative dates just for you, my dear Happy Valley Crafters.
DATE ONE: XTREME PICNICKING
DATE TWO: BEACHY FUN
And lastly, the third date . . . .
DATE THREE: UGLY CHRISTMAS SWEATER PARTY