FLOOZY FINDS: A Penguin Centipede and a Mysterious Turd

Floozy Finds - The Cotton Floozy reveals Utah County craft culture

There is this movie. It is called ‘Human Centipede.’ Don’t google it! Unless you have a strong stomach and a penchant for the weird and gross. Which I do.

So. I watched this movie on Netflix. I don’t want to be the one who tells you what it is about, so I’ll let you learn about it the same way I did: through the amaze-balls online movie critic Eric D. Snider’s website (The ‘D’ stands for Donna). Here is the link to his review. It is probably your family-safest option for learning about this movie.

Okay. Are you back from reading it? Do you need to take a time out to gargle with lysol? I’ll wait.

Ever since I watched this movie through the chinks of my hand held over my eyes, I  have developed a condition called ‘coprolalia.’ Coprolalia is a Tourette’s-like condition where the crazy person the afflicted randomly shouts out swears or obscenities or socially inappropriate phrases. I shout out ‘Human Centipede.’ Everywhere. All the time. In socially inappropriate settings. It’s a problem. If you order the ‘Oink, Oink, Oink’ from the restaurant ‘Eva’s,’ I will blurt out to complete strangers, ‘HUMAN CENTIPEDE.’ If I’m at a fancy dinner party and three women depart simulatenously to use the Ladiez Room, I will ejaculate,* ‘HUMAN CENTIPEDE.’ If  I am at Parent/Teacher conference and the teacher mentions my daughter’s  inability to understand phonics, I will scream, ‘HUMAN CENTIPEDE.’

Okay, I’m kidding about that last one. Probably.

Imagine my surprise when Mr. Floozy came home from a Work Party White Elephant Party Party with this as his spoils.


He was all, ‘Did you see the White Elephant that I won?’ And I was all, ‘HUMAN CENTIPEDE.’ And then he backed away slowly from the living room, afraid of making any sudden movements.

Yesterday I rediscovered this stuffed marvel and decided that it was not Human Centipedey enough. And that I could make it better.

With a few snips of my scissors, I easily disassembled the TriPenguin.

a sad penguin massacre

Observe the paper towel holder that was used to support the Penguin Cheerleader Stack. And what is that . . . over there . . . that bag thingey . . . . Oh my glob. Is that a bag of kitty litter? And what is that poking out of the bag?

This is what the sweatshops refer to as 'upcycling.'


Yeah, I’m pretty sure that it was kitty litter complete with turd. For a second there when I pulled the bag out of the bottom penguin’s butt, I thought that it was smuggled drugs. But on closer inspection, I decided not to snort it to find out.

Let me be clear here. I found this baggie of clumpy ‘sand’ inside of the penguins. I don’t think it was tampered with outside of the factory (sweatshop) where it was made, but who knows? Maybe the baggie was sewn into the toy by a mule for, uh, kitty litter. But seriously. Is that not the weirdest thing ever to be found inside of a stuffed animal(s)?

Putting my disgust aside, I went about the process of hot glueing the penguins into the classic human centipede configuration.

After I roofied them, they woke up to find themselves like this.

No One Wants to be The MIDDLE PIECE.

Hmmmm. I wonder what else I can find in my house to defile?

I hope you all have a nice day HUMAN CENTIPEDE!

*Funny story: when I was a kid I read a lot of Victorian Literature. The word ‘ejaculate’ was frequently used, as in, “‘Let’s all have a snifters of brandy and play whist, shall we?’ the dame ejaculated.” I thought it just meant ‘to shout out.’ I had no idea about the other definition. I wrote a lot of school papers with the word ‘ejaculate.’ My poor, poor teachers.

About TheCottonFloozy

The Cotton Floozy finds solace in subversive embroidery, clever crochet, and teaching her kids how to be normal in an abnormal society. She finds horrifically awesome things in Utah Valley and shares them here.
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9 Responses to FLOOZY FINDS: A Penguin Centipede and a Mysterious Turd

  1. sally says:

    Next time I need to smuggle my drugs, I’m going to use adorable stuffed animals.

  2. Kat says:

    Here lies Tripenguin. RIP.

  3. Kat says:

    Hier liegt tri Pinguin. Ruhe in Frieden, mein leipchen.

  4. Jodie says:

    Why! Why? I am dying from the contents of that bag. And kinda impressed you would still touch those penguins, I would have had some sort of fumigation team to take care of it.

  5. Dame Toadstool says:

    First, this does increase my concern for you, Floozy, while at the same time it increases my admiration for you.

    Second, I would have needed to sanitize my entire house and taken 30,000 scrub-so-hard-I-leave-only-two-layers-of-skin showers had I handled that bag of questionable origin.

    Third, I am channeling inspiration through your love of Victorian literature and will from now on speak only in the third person, i.e., “HUMAN CENTIPEDE!” Dame Toadstool ejaculated whilst fixated on the horror.

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