It is almost Christmas! If you have procrastinated buying presents, fear not! I have a few great tips that you can learn all about in this . . . . THE FLOOZY CHRISTMAS GIFT GUIDE.
GIFT IDEA #1: HOMEMADE DOGGIE SWEATER
I can crochet. Maybe you cannot. If you can crochet, stitch a doggie sweater. Make it up! Just be sure to put some holes for the front legs and give the undercarriage of the sweater some clearance for the doggie’s hoohaw. If you cannot crochet, find someone who can. A Granny maybe, or a spinster schoolmarm.
This sweater will make me popular with the ladiez.
Weasley is only modeling this sweater. It will be given to his dog buddy, Wrigley.
HOhKAAAY, this is where I got carried away with the ‘effects’ feature in iPhoto.
Oh Holy Dog
GIFT IDEA #2: THE RE-GIFTED WHITE ELEPHANT
He seeees you when you're sleeping. He knoooowssss when you're awake.
Re-gifted White Elephants are a great idea! I won this gem at a White Elephant Gift Party. I sorta wanted to win Humphrey the Humping Dog Toy, but alas, it was not meant to be. Creepy Cookie Jar will be mine. Never to be re-gifted, unless I get super desperate. And then who knows! Maybe it will be yours someday to store your own re-gifted white elephants. Dream big!
GIFT IDEA #3: INTERNET SENSATION COFFEE TABLE BOOKS
Because nothing says I love you like a coffee table book.
You’ve heard of the Internet, right? Well, the Internet has been corporealized in fancy coffee table books! My favorite is the Awkward Family Photos book. Why, you may ask? Because I am in it!
If I swoon awkwardly, will all of my Man Relatives stare at me with creepy grins?
Yes!
Soft and sexy for Mr. Floozy, I faint backwardsly.
GIFT IDEA #4: THE XTREME HOLIDAY FASCINATOR
Big barrettes are crazy awesome, but ginormous jingly fascinators are even more so! You can make one, too! Go look at the dregs of your Christmas ornaments storage box, find all of the cool broken bits and lost body parts from the Island of Misfit Toys and glue gun them together. With a barrette (or three) to clasp on your hair. (If bald, glue directly to your head.)
It jingles when I move my neck muscles!
Granger my dog also looks great wearing the Xtreme Holiday Fascinator!
♫ Oh tannenbaum, oh tannenbaum, my mother is so crazy. ♫
GIFT IDEA # 5: THE MOST WONDERFUL GIFT OF ALL!
When all else fails . . . .
It's a Christmas Miracle!
Give the gift of bacon.
Did you know that I have to do a math problem before I can comment and by the time I figure out the math problem I have lost all of my pithy comments and have not one witty thing left to say? Math is stoopid. (smiley face)
I know! That fail that stoopid math test all the time! (sad face)
*I fail that! I fail all that.
You make me smile!
No, YOU make me smile!
I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT THAT SWEATER.
Does it fit?!
Seeing you in your wedding dress fainting awkwardly backwardsly is the best Christmas gift ever. Well, that and the idea for the Xtreme Holiday Fascinator. I LOVE that too…… Those two things almost erased the Creepy Cookie Jar from my memory. I have a creepy winking coffee cup that I think Creepy Cookie Jar would like to marry, and then she could faint backwardsly and all of the relatives could stand by with weird plastic or ceramic smiles…… I think I have too much time on my hands. I’m going to be done now.
If you mailed me that coffee cup, I would totally take wedding photos of the awkward couple.
I would need your address to do that…..