Floozy Finds: her sanity at the bottom of a communal sweatshop sandbox.

Posted on January 26, 2012 by TheCottonFloozy

Floozy Finds - The Cotton Floozy reveals Utah County craft culture

I had planned on waking up this morning and harvesting something brilliant and funny from my ass for my Thursday slot of Floozy Finds! Doh! That did not happen. My mom needed me to rush up some things for her at the hospital, and so, rush I did. No shower, makeup, toothbrushing. Just me and a hat. Oh, and clothes under that hat. Wouldn’t want to repeat the Nightmare of Aught-Eight. (It was on stage, a few clowns, and no pants.)

I rushed to the hospital, only to realize after an absurdist conversation with the lady at the information desk, that no, my mom was not at this hospital, but was instead at the American Fork hospital (go cavemen!). I dork-walked back to my car and proceeded to my homeland. (Good ol’ AF! We will love you till we die! That is the song to the high school. Not, the hospital. Because that would be a bad P.R. choice.)

My mom is all cutesy and serene at the hospital. Every mental part of her is focusing on DO NOT PUKE DO NOT PUKE. That sums up every hospital stay I have ever had.

I brought her a fabulous lunch from Kneaders, we chatted, and then  I left, not without leaving a daggery serious ‘take care of my mom’ look at all of the personnel. I’m sure I impressed them with my tuffness.

When I got home I fell asleep. Hospitals sap my wit and mind-bling. Today’s post is just this! Nothing more. No creepy baggies of illicit sand filled with mysterious turds.* Nope. Today, I just want you all to find a loved one (saying that makes me feel so Oprah) and say ‘hi, I like your face.’ Or, ‘thank you for finding the remote control, I thought it was a goner.’ Or, ‘If you ever leave me, I will haunt the shit out of you.’

You can do this, right? For me? For my mom? For that super nice celebrity Matt Damon?

Next week I’ll be better. I’m planning on giving a thesis of information about the Utah Accent. Because when you make fun of my Utah accint, it rilly hurts my fillings.

*My newest theory about the baggie of sand and turds:

Okay, it probably wasn’t kitty litter. BUT SOMETHING MUCH WORSE. I imagine a sweatshop somewhere in a dungeonesque basement crammed full of gummy-spined women working tirelessly over these stupid obscene penguins. When they have come to the part of the assembly where the bag of sand is placed in the bottom of the toy to give the TriPenguin weight, they shovel up some sand from an open pit of sand-like particles and pour it into the baggie and tie it up unconvincingly. I imagine that this Open Pit of Sand has sat there are on the floor of the factory, mindless of the various cats, rodents, and marmosets that scurry over it and dump their poops. If I knew my scat better , I would have analyzed the TriPenguine turd to determine the breed. But, alas! My dream of becoming a scatologist never came true.

And that is how I ended up with a baggie full of sand and turds when I autopysied a stuffed animal from the Dollar Store.

THE END.

 

Posted in Floozy FInds | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

What am I DOING? The same stuff as before.

Posted on January 25, 2012 by Volatile Volscian

Uh oh, it looks like another Wednesday is upon us. And once again, I’m pretty much between projects. Here’s the sock:

The stripes look pretty good.

I finished the heel, which means I now go around and around and around until it’s long enough, and sew closed the toe. I don’t work on this very much because I can usually find something else to do.

I’m trying to decide if my next project should be weaving or sewing. It should probably be sewing because someone on Etsy requested something. So I should get on that. It’s just that I’ll have to buy fabric, and it’s hard to remember these things.

I opened my script to check it out, but haven’t done any more writing so far… I have some notes about what scenes needed to be written, but the notes are really old and I couldn’t remember if I’d written those scenes yet! The answer is no, I haven’t written them. I need to figure out exactly where to put them. They need to go right in the middle of a bunch of short scenes and I just have to figure out the best flow.

Between these 2 scenes I have to write a really important scene where people get beat up.

I know that after I have these scenes written (hopefully all the scenes I’ll ever write again for this script), I need to go through and add more action to the scenes that are mostly dialogue. But then… dare I say it will be finished? I’ve said that so many times.

I also have this jacket:

horrid photo!

This was a recon from my mending pile, and my main goal was to get it out of my mending pile. But as you can see, it’s very boring. It’s wearable, but boring. I can’t figure out what to do with it. I have none of that fabric left, so I can’t make any structural changes. That leaves the purely graphic design of adding stuff onto it. Trim, embroidery, contrast fabric details. No one ever believes this, but I’m really bad at graphic design. My clothing design is based on structure and construction. Purely visual stuff, I don’t do so well. So I’m going to ruminate on this jacket for a while.

That’s it for me right now! Do you guys have stuff going on?

Posted in What Am I DOING? | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

FLOOZY FINDS: A Penguin Centipede and a Mysterious Turd

Posted on January 19, 2012 by TheCottonFloozy

Floozy Finds - The Cotton Floozy reveals Utah County craft culture

There is this movie. It is called ‘Human Centipede.’ Don’t google it! Unless you have a strong stomach and a penchant for the weird and gross. Which I do.

So. I watched this movie on Netflix. I don’t want to be the one who tells you what it is about, so I’ll let you learn about it the same way I did: through the amaze-balls online movie critic Eric D. Snider’s website (The ‘D’ stands for Donna). Here is the link to his review. It is probably your family-safest option for learning about this movie.

Okay. Are you back from reading it? Do you need to take a time out to gargle with lysol? I’ll wait.

Ever since I watched this movie through the chinks of my hand held over my eyes, I  have developed a condition called ‘coprolalia.’ Coprolalia is a Tourette’s-like condition where the crazy person the afflicted randomly shouts out swears or obscenities or socially inappropriate phrases. I shout out ‘Human Centipede.’ Everywhere. All the time. In socially inappropriate settings. It’s a problem. If you order the ‘Oink, Oink, Oink’ from the restaurant ‘Eva’s,’ I will blurt out to complete strangers, ‘HUMAN CENTIPEDE.’ If I’m at a fancy dinner party and three women depart simulatenously to use the Ladiez Room, I will ejaculate,* ‘HUMAN CENTIPEDE.’ If  I am at Parent/Teacher conference and the teacher mentions my daughter’s  inability to understand phonics, I will scream, ‘HUMAN CENTIPEDE.’

Okay, I’m kidding about that last one. Probably.

Imagine my surprise when Mr. Floozy came home from a Work Party White Elephant Party Party with this as his spoils.

PENGUIN CENTIPEDE

He was all, ‘Did you see the White Elephant that I won?’ And I was all, ‘HUMAN CENTIPEDE.’ And then he backed away slowly from the living room, afraid of making any sudden movements.

Yesterday I rediscovered this stuffed marvel and decided that it was not Human Centipedey enough. And that I could make it better.

Continue reading →

Posted in Floozy FInds | Tagged , , | 9 Comments

What am I DOING? Socking and weaving.

Posted on January 18, 2012 by Volatile Volscian

First off, there’s the sock. The one I’ve been knitting on a loom for ages. Last week I decided it was going to be too small, so I ripped it and started over. I have about 1 inch to go before I can do the heel, so that’s exciting.

I’ve got my next tablet weaving planned, and I’ll probably start measuring the warp right after I publish this post!  It’s just a boring rune pattern, not very interesting to weave, but re-enactors  and pagans like the rune ones.

Last night I looked at all my weaving patterns just to double-check them, and found a few that needed to be fixed, so that felt productive. Today I went into the draft of the book and fiddled around a little more.

I’ve been thinking a lot about my script, but haven’t actually opened it recently. I really need to. I’m so close. I feel like I have just a few things left to do, but inevitably I’ll open it and start reading and think up all kinds of new changes to make.

I’m pretty sure that’s all I’m doing right now… How about you guys?

Posted in What Am I DOING? | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

What’s your Perfect Date in Utah County?

Posted on January 17, 2012 by Dame Toadstool

Our famed local newspaper, The Daily Herald, wants to know about your favorite date spot/activity in Utah County and why you love it. Here are the details. Submission window ends February 3.

I wonder what percentage of those submissions will be related to creative dating. More than wonder, I really dread the answer. I considered submitting mine, but I doubt it would be published… it involves going to the Bombay House for dinner and then stopping at the new Springville liquor store and spending the rest of the night hanging out at home, enjoying each other’s company with a bottle of wine and/or some tequila. Why wouldn’t my submission be published? Why, here is an anecdote that may hold the answer.

My first real “oh, shit, what have we gotten ourselves into” moment regarding our move from Ohio to Utah came in September 2005. My husband had formally accepted his new job in Provo and we flew out to Utah for a weekend to look for an apartment. I was sitting on a bed in the Hampton Inn in Orem (nice digs, btw) with my laptop open and searching for the local newspaper’s name and website so I could browse the classifieds. I discovered that name of the paper I wanted was The Daily Herald… and then I noticed the URL.

http://www.harktheherald.com

As in, “Hark the herald angels sing.” As in, WTF.

That URL still works, but as of a couple years ago it now redirects traffic to their new and more secularly named website, heraldextra.com. I’m not dumb, though. I know when a newspaper also owns cougarblue.com, a direct pipeline to BYU sports, that a certain religion-that-shall-not-be-named has a stronghold on my local newspaper. It’s also obvious if you start to actually read the content of the paper. And I find that very irritating.

Summary: there’s no such thing as liberal-run media in Utah County. :(

Posted in Oh My Heck | Tagged , , , | 3 Comments